Tuesday, December 5

I just realized something. All this time I thought that I had a normal family and a good mom (and a bad, distant father), but all along I should have been one of those kids whose parents are so irresponsible that they have to pay the bills, and get a job, and cook and not be dependent on their parents at all. I never figured it out.

I am being selfish?? All I want is money for college, a measly amount if you ask me. I know this sounds horrible, HORRIBLE, but she gives WAY more money to her church than towards my education. And she's going on a trip that costs exactly the same amount as what I need for next semester. She claims she paid for private school (for 1.5 years) and gives me PLENTY (and this is true) of clothes(totally unneccessary considering the closets I have amassed) , magazine subscriptions fancy food and trinkets. Then she gives herself gifts all the time. We live a very cushy life, but I have to fend for myself??? Where are her priorities. If I knew where my life would lead I would have refused every little unnessessary thing she threw my way.

So here I am, trying to do school work, but I can't because I am wondering how I'm going to pay for next semester. It's so messy. I already took out my first loan, it was for 9,000, by the time I pay it back, it will reach 27,000. I won't be able to sleep if I keep this up. Don't think that I'm poor scum. I'm drenched in white gold and diamonds right now, and I've read James Joyce. I'm going to take Calc 2 next semester and own it. But none of that matters. I might have to drop out of college becauase I can't afford it! I feel like curling up and crying because it doesn't make any sense. I know life isn't all fairness, but from my mom.

It's absurd.

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